So be it !

After rowing for quite a while now, my hands felt numb. The sun was right above my wet head. My friend, who was left behind, seemed perfectly enjoying himself. The summer sun, the humidity, the fear of drowning; nothing seemed to come between him and his adventure.

We were half a mile into the sea and the shore was hardly visible. “Wow!” I said to myself. Finally something exciting……..something to remember. Something not everyone gets to do in Goa. Just me and my raft, in the middle of this vast expanse of green liquid. Great….. Sometimes blue actually. But the reality struck hard. This was not as thrilling as expected to be. “Oh come on” I said to myself. Not again. All this was not able to give me those goose bumps anymore. That spine- tinkling experience had just disappeared somewhere. Something inside me was dying. Something that I had cherished for so long, wanted to nurture and capture inside me. Forever…….
Alas! “The Boy” inside me had just refused to come out. The little naughty, always craving, always jumping, less worrying, little questioning, stupid kid had faded away. “Bro not this time” I said to my brain. No respite from this constant thinking machine, I thought. Not even in the middle of this ‘to be’ adventure. I quit rowing further, it was apparently useless now. The X factor was long gone. This was a changed person riding on those familiar waves. Oh guess what “The Man” is here. The process of change is acting. This person is more disciplined, less craving, manipulative, always worrying, cribbing, sensible and full of doubts and his unnecessary, never ending questions.
It’s like those odd feelings that run through your head. It’s like those Hollywood movies in which suddenly one day you wake up and you are a grown up man. “Wake up buddy, time to earn a living”…..haa too much to take in. My skin started burning from this scorching summer heat. Time to get back I thought. Time to get back to this relentless search of happiness. The search, which had just got worse. Maturity gun had fired its shells. It was time to face the bombardment. This transformation seemed to be malicious, secretive and too slow to be noticed. These days, the only thing on mind was Money, property, career and that need for power. And of course fame, a sense of achievement. Parties seemed stupid, friends just a ‘pass time’ and vacation felt like just another gimmick by the Almighty, to make me realize how miserably reluctant I am. Reluctant to face the truth. The truth that the money in my pocket belongs to the person who is working hard at this moment to fulfill my wishes. I gazed at my expensive water resistant watch. It was Tuesday, 10 A.m. He must be off for work, I thought. No wonder my ‘bro’ has an acute shortage of this skill called timing.
My friend seemed tired by now. Thank god. I turned my kayak and rowed towards the shore. The beautiful sight seemed overwhelming. Blood gushed through my veins. I was rowing hard. The adrenalin rush had arrived. I tried to fight back my misery. Then I said to myself, ‘Chill mamu’. A lot had to be done; a lot had to be achieved. And now there was this new person to be discovered. Altogether a new beginning. New heights to be scaled. I smiled. I knew that it was time to prove my self to this world. It was time to give back everything that was invested in me right from the beginning.
Very rare, but a time comes, when you realize that its time to get started. Started with the process called success. Something told me that I can do it with ease. Being an optimist does its bit you see……….The person should be proud of this kid he has been looking after for so long. The Dreams have to turn into reality. It was time to take life seriously, without killing the kid inside me. And more importantly, it was time to make sense of this living. Do something which will help me become that man I have been craving for, something for my ‘pass times’, the people to whom I owe this life and for the beautiful girl waiting for me on the beach.

Rowing back was less painful. Body was exhausted but the cribbing had stopped. I was filled with this optimism, this desire to do. All this energy was breathtakingly exciting. “Yes we can” flashed in front of my eyes with that obama smile. Hahaha. I couldn’t help smiling. My friend was again left behind.
Soon I found myself on the shore. Beautiful white sand had filled my slippers. The day had turned beautiful, the moment- timeless. A memory to cherish, a reminder that would bring me back to this moment when everything turned black because it was supposed to do its job. The job of reminding me that it’s my turn to make others happy, just as others have made me a several hundred times. God has a plan you see, so be it…… Amen! :P

Conversations and Vodka..........
The funny part about a booze party is the booze itself. As the party advances, you witness some changes in the people around, weird topics being discussed, stupid conversations and lots more. The whole group turns into a miny parliament, a roundtable conference at least. Any point that comes up is going to be debated and the fun begins there. And if you are the only one not drinking, then you can be sure of some solid entertainment………
I was at a party last week with some of my friends who love such situations. God knows what was the occasion.......We are friends to the core but when it comes to ideologies, we are indeed different. After a couple of vodka’s the atmosphere was high…… “Do you think Tiger was wrong in having 20 mistresses?” someone said with that wicked smile on his face…….. Other continued, “What’s so wrong in that? He can have as many women he wants. He is after all a world champion!” Lol……I wondered how relieved Tiger would be by hearing that. Tiger, No need to apologize to the world. Haha…….
The other guy continued “In fact it’s terrible to have just one woman! These committed guys are losers”…..Wow, what a thought….we laughed out loud….The tables around us were already pissed off. The manager tried his best to throw us out but our ‘repeat’ orders would send him off. Who wants to go home early on a Saturday night?
The party had begun for me…..I knew it’s always better to shut your mouth at such times otherwise you are going to be the centre of all the ‘action’. The ‘bakra.
We continued our discussions. And not everyone agreed with this guy. The committed guys were pissed off. One said “Oh come on……you are saying this coz you never got a good one in your life. All you got is peanuts!” Bwahaha…….I couldn’t help laughing like a moron…..Now the vodka was talking…..Things getting a bit personal....
And ‘girls’ weren’t the only topic being discussed. The waiter was asked about his native place, about his wife and number of children. He would have rated us the best customers if given a chance. The smile on his face, the pride he felt in answering, was something amazing. It was a delight to know that some little girl in U.P could go to school with a little help from Drunkards like us. He was assured a good tip.
And then the all time favourite – Politics. After all everyone likes a little bit of debate here. Every person was trying to side with a leader, needless to say his party. It was quite evident that the choice was based not much on his ideals, his work but more on his propaganda and personality. And of course each guy supported the leader from his community, irrespective of him agreeing with violence, chauvinism, etc. In the end, no leader was spared. The Conclusion – “All are Bas….ds!”….Hmm. At least I got something to agree with them.
And then it was Naxalism, Nadal vs Fedrer, Schumi’s return to F1 and Rakhi’s swayamwar. Ahh Too much for a day!
I had my Cet classes the next day. I thought to myself…… ‘Now that’s a sort of GD sessions. No need to practice in coaching classes. No need of teachers. This huge knowledge and in so less time!
The only difference, these classes are free. No additional charges. And we got no branches. All you need is a little bit of brains and who can forget - Vodka on the rocks!

The Irony of Happiness!

There were times when even a school picnic would excite us; we would be making plans for weeks. Carry our favourite clothes, jackets and of course - the walkman. School days were different indeed. Then came times when these things seemed stupid.
As we grow, the whole definition of happiness changes. College life is no doubt amazing, but if one is looking for the masti of school, then that can’t be guaranteed. Birthday parties turn into beer parties. Crushes turn into serious relationships. And again the walkman becomes the I-pod.
But the question still remains that ‘Do these changes bring more happiness?’ The answer is not with me. Infact not with anyone else around. The simple toys that made us happy back then, can never be replaced by the super toys we are running after today.

They say, great power brings great responsibilities. And the same logic applies to desire. If you own a bike, you would probably be looking out for a car and the one with an E-class is striving for an S-class. One might wonder why the things we already own, do not excite us anymore. It can be called the Irony of Hapiness.

The more we want, the more we strive. It is like the innocence and the inner happiness that we once possessed is lost somewhere. Greed is good but greed is not god. We must not forget that even simple things in life can give us immense happiness that we desire.
I quite remember that I used to play with marbles in the backyard. Aiming at the bigger one and trying to collect as many as possible was the only aim in my life. That would rather make me happy. One would laugh out loud if today he thinks about earning marbles. So what has changed? Is it the thing or the thinking? May be a combination of both.

So do we stop craving for bigger and better things? Of course not! That would be irrational. But there has to be a balance between passion and greed. Success will follow those who follow their dreams and not their fickle mind.
Happiness is within us and happiness can be found in small things. But these small stuffs do not make us the big daddy that we want to be. And this single phenomenon makes us run around the circle of perpetual grief.
The whole thing comes to a single point that we have been hearing since childhood ------ ‘Be satisfied with what you have!’
Wow that would be so great only if it was humanly possible……….

An uninvited Affection............

The worst part about summer vaccations is the boredom that it brings along in life and this one was no exception. The best part is, we think about studies, achievement - something we hate to do otherwise. “This time am going to get distinction”, I expressed and my sister who was busy watching ‘Flimfare’ said “Oh no, not this time sid” with clear disinterest on her face. “No, am serious”, I tried to continue…..but kareena’s performance seemed too important to her, “Get lost”….. out came the reply and with no choice left, I had to watch kareena dancing like those stupid Chinese toys available on the streets. 1, 2 , cha cha cha…same old steps. “Anyways am sleeping, you watch these size-zero girls”….I have been loving the other kind for a while now.
It was 11 p.m and sleeping was the only agenda on my mind. “Hey can you take this downstairs for the dogs?” shouted my mom from the kitchen. “What?” I shouted back with frustration. The homely- routine had made me lazy. Still on bed, I tried to look through the passage. Mom pointed towards a bulk of food leftovers wrapped untidily into a couple of newspapers. “Sheeeeeeee no ways am I touching that” I howled at her. Dad preferred not to interfere. He couldn’t stop smiling though. After a while, Mom came towards me and said “Will you ever do something good for someone? That food will be wasted anyways. Why don’t you feed that poor jimmy?”
Feeding dogs with the leftover food seemed to be an ancestral tradition in our house. And Jimmy, as the boys in our area called him, seemed to be the Leader of those street dogs. He was mom’s favourite. And although her words meant nothing to me, I thought to myself, we watch hungry people on streets, railway stations, dying everyday and who the hell cares about these dogs suddenly? But my mom being adamant that she is, held me that ‘Tiffin’ and smiled lovingly. A Simple Smile can create wonders you see!
Walking downstairs I tried to avoid smelling that stuff. The food that I had just hours before seemed to be filthy garbage in my hands by now.
“Eat this you idiot” I shouted at the dog who knew someone would come to feed him. Jimmy was waiting for my mom, but today it was my turn. He looked at me eagerly.He might have wondered who this fool is. I placed his dinner at one corner where thin grass grew out from the little soil on the tar road. Soon two other dogs rushed towards us. “Oh god” I muttered and prepared to move away from that spot. I had heard about dogs getting aggressive while having food. I wondered if these dogs will bite me. Jimmy growled softly towards the approaching dogs. Now I was really scared. The growling sound got louder and I found myself in the middle of a fight…..i looked at the jeans that I was wearing. It was my favourite.

But to my amazement both dogs kept their distance and the King Jimmy ate whole meal proudly. I wanted to get back home now. I started moving towards my wing. Jimmy seemed to follow me. I stopped. I turned back. He was moving his tail rapidly and expressing affection towards me. I was least interested. “Hud saley” I shouted and raised my hands to scare him away. Actually, I was the one who was scared. Poor Jimmy went away. He kept looking towards me, kept moving his tail. I had to rush home.
Days passed by. College started. Every night I had to feed this dog. I hated when I was interrupted for this ‘noble cause’ while I was busy talking on phone or surfing net. However as time passed by, I somehow got used to this activity. I slowly started to like feeding Jimmy and watch him eat hurriedly all that garbage that I used to bring for him. He loved when it was chicken or fish. The rapid moment of his tail indicated these emotions. And watching him eat while the rest of the dogs could just stand there helplessly, gave me even more happiness.
This ‘kind’ act gave me a sense of satisfaction, an opportunity to give back something, however insignificant it might be. I saw an emotion of Love in his eyes, of unparalled trust, that I would come to feed him everyday. He followed me everywhere, when I left for classes, college and continued so till the society gate.A King is a King within his territory afterall.
It was a Saturday, if I can recall. I was preparing to leave for my classes.Cool wind blew through the trees. I was late as usual. Rushing down the stairs I saw something lying in the grasses near the spot I used to feed jimmy. I had no time….Just a second glance. Dam! It was jimmy. I was transfixed. My legs wanted to move but my brain ordered them not to. Jimmy was red faced with some fluid coming out of his mouth. I could tell it was him by the black mark on his right eye. One of my friend passed by on his Karisma. I din’t want people to see me saddened by a dogs death. I moved along, still thinking about jimmy. I had to reach on time.
The lecturer was discussing economics. And all I could think of, was this dog.Thoughts went in and out. ‘What could have caused his death?.....He was so strong, well-built……Higher the price, lower the demand…..ok I need to concentrate in the lecture….but how come this happend suddenly, just yesterday he ate so nicely….looked so happy......Lower the price, higher the demand’
On my way back home, I tried to have a look again. His body had shrunk…..one could count his ribs. The spot was smelling. I had to move.
Back home, I played computer games. That’s a remedy from constant thinking for people like me. Everything seemed normal for a while. Then my mom said “ Hey time to feed your pet”………She was not aware of all this…..Ignorance is a bliss someone said.

I had to take that food downstairs. I was not able to tell my mom that jimmy had died. Not because it was hurting or so, but simply because I din’t want to spoil her mood. At the pavement, the body was still lying undisturbed, the only difference being that it had began to stink by now. I placed the food away from the grasses. The other two dogs approached slowly,carefully. The king was gone now. It was their turn to rule.
Cold wind blew down the street. For a moment, I felt that stiff feeling in my throat. That bitter taste. The logic department in my brain told me not to cry for an unimportant street dog. But if only logic could defy emotions. A tear rolled down my eye. I was still watching those dogs eat happily. A friend passed by…… I got reason to divert my mind. I asked him about his well being. He might have wondered how suddenly I was so friendly towards him.
Once home, my mom asked me whether Jimmy had eaten all that she had kept aside for him. “Yes mom he liked it very much!” I said , trying not to show any emotions on my face. Lying is something that I am good at since long. Content with a long, jubilant day she said “Ofcourse he would like it , it was his favourite chicken today”

Its just a stupid creek afterall !

"Wow its gonna rain", said the girl sitting beside me. I tried to have a look outside while our professor was still trying to make a point; and guess what, it finally rained. Atleast it drizzled for sometime and we guys already had a plan, "Lets Bunk" said the one behind me."Nah, it won't last long" was the immediate reply by his partner, "Apna mumbai ka climate pata hain nah" he said and everyone stopped planning for now.
Bell rang and emotions flowed again. "Lets go trekking" said someone and everyone shouted back "Are you crazy? Its already 4 in the noon". With no intentions whatsoever i said slowly "How about going to Airoli Bridge?" I had no idea what we were gonna do there but it was atleast a better suggestion than those stupid malls and hookah parlours.
All guys looked at me and some might have thought that i was in shock after that disasterous lecture.
"Yeda ho gaya hain kya?" someone replied and then continued "Haan rey, not a bad idea!" Now everyone thought we both were in shock. With not much time to decide, we left classroom and once outside the campus, the question was thrown back again "Where to go man? " All the enthusiam killed again. "Lets go there yaar where sid suggested". That fool din't even know what the place was about.
Soon we found ourselves walking towards Airoli Bridge blessed by some little showers and a lot of traffic. "Waah what a scene man" out came a compliment which although was aimed at the place, was sought as a relief by me, as i was the one to bring them here. Once on the spot, we clicked pictures.......with all the stupid poses we could mange and ofcourse those silly body-building poses.
The scene was spectacular, Lush green marshes on both sides with a creek flowing in between, and we on the top of a bridge with no one around but only speeding cars. Clouds thundering up above and little droplets falling on our spykar jeans and nokia mobiles. "What if it rains heavily?" asked one of my friends with that usual emotionless face.We were in the middle of a long bridge with books, mobile phones and college bags and the nearest shelter was far enough to make us completely wet in case it rains heavily."Chup baith saley loss " was my answer.
We were in our own world, enjoying hell of a time and some singing those irritating bolly-songs. Guys stop before i jump off this bridge......i muttered. 'Pee-pee' came a noise from behind and a Qualis stopped next to our newly discovered katta. Out came a guy wearing a white kurta and without wasting a moment, throwed a big plastic bag over the edge into the creek. The car sped away and the singing stopped.......Silence........almost 20 secs past by.....still no jokes, no comments........Then someone came out with the line, we all must have heard a billion times " Kya Ch....tyagiri tha woh?" Atleast guys love such kind of lines.Another 20 secs .....no reply......The same guy continued, "Atleast he could have thrown that stuff without throwing the plastic bag with it".........still no comments.....Our fun seeking, adventurous bunking had suddenly turned into a round table conference. "But what was in that bag?" asked the guy who is expected to ask such stupid questions. Our group is versatile you know. "Puja ka saman" i answered.
Again silence prevailed. We all knew this senseless tradition of throwing the remains of a 'Holy Ceremony' into the flowing waters.And no one wanted to question their own traditons. "But why they throw it into the river?" asked the ignorant one again...."Its not a river you fool, its a creek" replied the smart guy with a sense of pride on his face as if he had answered the actual question. Everyone laughed. We laughed not because the river was a creek but because we wanted to get back into our 'we don't care' mood. The singing started again.......some singing...some thinking.....i wanted to do neither of them. But only if men could control their minds.........thoughts flowed in my mind....why people do this? Don't these people who travel in posh cars and who come from supposedly educated families think even for a moment before throwing that stuff into the water body? Atleast they can throw it without the plastic bag? Leave it man 'apne ko kya karna hain'?
The drizzles turned into rain and the songs changed from old hindi to new hindi pop......"Kambakth ishq" (the new one ofcourse)......I stood up and with three other guys, we started singing loudly.......some even joined in with some steps......boys will be boys.....Then came a thunder....We shouted loudly....another one.....the screaming continued. The cars moving besides us slowed down to watch our 'rain-dance'. What a time we had. Moments forever.
Then came a Black BMW. We couldn't help staring at the beauty. But this time the singing continued. The power window went down and a lady said to one of my friends "Can you please throw this?" The singing stopped. My friend looked at me. My eyes had the answer." Mam i will throw it and give you the plastic bag back" replied my friend with an unmatched pride in his voice. He knew he was doing good. Good for his country, his people..........atleast this creek. The lady smiled back and in a loving tone said "Ok beta"....'ok' was fine but 'beta' was heartbreaking.
My friend took the bag and sincerely throwed the stuff in that huge 'big bazzar's' bag into the creek. At the moment it was done, and he was about to turn back to return that plastic bag, the power window went up. Water droplets fell on those windshields.......the car sped off. The girl sitting behind, who must have been a school going child, kept looking at us till the car went far away. In her eyes i saw a feeling of guilt....a feeling which cannot be expressed. I am not a writer afterall.
With that plastic bag still in his angry hands, my friend shouted "Fuck off you bitch" and throwed it on the road. We all felt cheated. Insulted. Then came a series of bad words......boys will be boys....and one guy said, "Such people must be hanged till death".........now thats exaggeration.........but i would have said the same if not he did. I told my friend to forget it and we prepared to leave that place. Rains continued and the thundering had stopped by now. Emotions came out again "Why can't we make laws to prevent throwing plastic into Rivers?" said the guy who had not commented for long till now. I almost thought he never cared. I was glad to be wrong. The angry guy replied "Chhod yaar......Is desh ka kuch nahi ho sakhta!"........no comments now....i though for a while that he was making it personal...but he was right in many ways. If people travelling in Bmws throw their stuff into water then how can we even think of addressing the poor, the illeterate about conservation of nature? My thoughts ran helter-skhelter......i wanted to run away from those....i wanted to get back into our 'we don't care' attitude. Then without a second thought i said in a stern voice "Leave it guys, Its just a stupid creek afterall"

- siddhesh